AARP is A-OK!

Restaurants are a wealth of entertainment. Take a few minutes just to cock your head in another table's direction and nine times out of ten you'll get a head-shaking earful. Dinner and a show! And as much as you might think it's teenagers or lovey-dovey couples that might provide the best fodder for a chuckle, it is the senior citizen that never fails to entertain. Case in point was the lone diner at the table next to Lisa and I at the local Italian bistro. After receiving his chicken casear salad he grumbled, harumphed, and sighed heavily in an attempt to attract the attention of the young floor manager. As she approached hesitantly he let loose his disdain about the size of his meal.

"This is not eleven dollars worth of chicken. You need to bring me eleven dollars worth of chicken. Not a whole other portion of chicken, just enough so that I have eleven dollars worth of chicken."

I so can't wait to become a senior citizen!

Many people do every thing they can to stave off the progress of years. I, on the other hand, cannot wait for the fun and obnoxious benefits of being a post-sixty five year old. The world is at your feet once you reach gumper status.

First off, who would pass on a perpetual ten percent discount on virtually everything? My mother couldn't understand my fathers enthusiasm in joining AARP. Dad, however, understood the benefits completely: discounts discounts discounts. I'm going to have to double laminate my membership card to keep it intact against it's constant use.

A few years back I was at the local grocery and found myself waiting in queue to checkout. Without warning a crusty old fella jumps in front of me without a word. After realizing he's not with the family in front of me, I tap him on the shoulder for his attention.

"Sir, the end of the line is back there," I inform him as I point over my shoulder.

"So? I'm old!"

Although I'm known for being an impatient person, I will be the first to let someone with one or two items to go ahead of me if I have a full cart. It's just the courteous thing to do. But Mr. Crusty didn't ask and wasn't even remotely nice about it.

"I don't care if you're a hundred and eighty, get your ass to the back of the line."

"But I'm old!"

"Yeah, and you're rude, too, and rude trumps old. You should have just asked to go ahead. Now get thee to the end of the line."

I sooooo can't wait to try and pull something like that! The assumption that having wrinkles is your passport to expedience is a tactic I look forward to attempting.

You can say whatever is on your mind without fear of offending anyone. Whatever verges on insane or inane can be excused by age or the possibility of being senile. Shout out loud in public, scold cacophonous teenagers. Sometimes talking so absurdly to someone can get them to cave in to something just by nature of being exhausted with trying to understand you. This works best on high school students working retail at Christmas. Those sweaters aren't buy one get one free, but by the time you're done asking how the sale works for the thirtieth time, you'll get that second sweater for free, or at least a discount.

Sick of sitting in traffic? Once you're retired the sidewalk is your own personal commute lane. There's always a story in the paper about some half-blind, seizure-ridden Octogenarian knocking over pedestrians with their El Dorado like bowling pins. And you'll always get Doris Day parking: those blue spaces you so coveted in your twenties are now yours for the taking. If those aren't available, park that champagne colored Buick wherever the hell you like. I'm old! They should paint those lines better! I'm special!

Getting older is your ticket to freedom. You'll no longer be constrained by the tenets of decorum. Deference is due you. And you can finally buy things, like Preparation H without embarrassment.

After about five minutes of picking through his eleven dollar chicken caesar, our friend at the next table asked for a to-go box. Making sure he didn't spend any unnecessary cash, he whipped out his tip card, left his dollar, and exited with tomorrow's meal.

"You know, that's you in a few years," my wife laughed.

"I hope so. I certainly hope so."