How Nokia Discovered The New World

I think our history books are lying to us. There is, in fact, a book out there called "Lies My Teacher Told Me About American History." If there were a place to see if my conspiracy theory were true, it should be there. But, alas, non. One of my favorite things to do when watching historical docudramas or movies is to find that small flash of technology to prove my point. I just know that the History Channel is skewing the facts in favor of tradition and folklore. My singular goal (future pun intended) is to expose the shoking truth:
Cell phones were invented in the fifteenth century and brought to the New World by Christopher Columbus.
Outrageous? No. But it is the only logical explaination for why the cheetoh-munching-video-game-playing-cell-phone-using-chatty-cathy-fat-ass simply HAD to get on said phone before even pulling out of her parking space at the local Safeway. Without cell phnes, we as a society would simply collapse. And it is because of our long tradition of using cell phones that has brought us to the virtual surgical implantation of them, removal tantamount to amputation.
How else did we conquer the New World? How did we communicate our plans for Western Domination? This is a continent of vast distances, immeasurable physical hurtles. Indigenous populations that needed to be relocated. Forests to be raized. Canals to be built. An Industrial Revolution to be wrought. How could a people forge a Brave New World without being in literal constant contact? How, indeed, did we get thirteen delegates to come together and vote on a Bill Of Rights without benefit of texting? How, indeed, did John Steinbeck communicate the plight of the migrant worker without IM? How, indeed, did Matthew Brady ever document the horrors of our Civil War without benefit of the picture phone?
It must be obvious that such a great country could not exist, grow, or succeed without the ubiquitous cell phone. Our generation, the Grtst CPhn Gnrtn, has proven the worth and necessity of this life-giving/saving device. Americans, over the course of generations, have become one with their phones, bringing that tradition of use to their fellow citizens, recalling that time when Paul Revere saved the colonies from the invading British by giving a shout out to all his party peeps in Beantown ("Hey, yo, G Wash, can ya hear me now?") (do you think he was in Washington's five?). And it was a proud moment for me, today, to witness a self-indulgent-mini-van-driving-slob get on her phone just seconds after grocery shopping to tell the world of her great accomplishment. Pity me for being in her way. She, that great patriot, showing the next generation just how much cell phone use is ingrained in American culture.
So I ask you, please, to help me re-write the history books to include the truth: that America simply could not have become the great self-centered-ego-centric nation that it is today without the help of the cell phone in the past. We as a nation would not have been able to overcome the challenges unaided by bluetooth, and the truth needs to be texted. While driving, of course.

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