I hate God and God hates me

This is a personal rant. I write without hyperbole or exaggeration. I simply need to let out all that is in my broken and forsaken heart.

If there is a God, and I have said this before, but I mean it now more than ever, He hates me. He as not forsaken me, has not abandoned me, but hates me, with a callousness and coldness reserved for those evil souls who deserve no redemption.

My circumstance is dire, my will on the razor sharp edge of breaking.

I am not a bad person. I hold no true malice, I reserve great hope that something good will someday befall me. Perhaps meeting the love of my lide was that one good thing. I don't dismiss that at all. Rather, if it is, indeed, all the good that will wver happen to me in my life, then my heart grows ever more weary knowing that I will never be able to bring her the happiness that hope holds in my heart, but reality will ever prevent from occuring.

We are good people. We are honest, we love each other unconditionally. We support and comfort one another. We work hard, valuing integrity, determination, commitment, and loyalty. We give what we can to provide a happy and loving home to our pets, animals we see as people trapped in four-legged bodies. We give support and advice to those around us who need and seek it. We do not cheat, lie, steal, obfuscate or deceive. We are honest, hard working adults.

But we are sick. My strong, determined, perfect-in-my-eyes wife suffers from Lupus. Every time she moves, her joints scream, her muscles groan. She sleeps very little, unable to find a comfortable postion that will allow her a modicum of comfort. She still goes to work every day and finds time to devote love, affection, and care to her loved ones. Having had years of disresepct and intolerable treatment from those she worked for and with, she has finally found a place that treats her as they should, and pays her more than she feels she is worth.

And yet, we are on the gut-wrenching precipce of bankruptcy.

After floundering in school, I found my niche in the business world, fighting my way to the top, becoming a respected manager, trainer, and mentor. I worked hard, commited myself to the name over the door, and did my best to ensure that all around me were equal to the task.

My health took that away from me.

I lost my last two jobs to absences duw to illness. My luck has brought me not one, but two, yes two, incurable disorders that disrupt every single day I exist on this earth. Atopic Dermatitis keeps me clawing at my skin, scratching in a maniacal manner, wishing I could rip every inch of my skin from my body so that I might find a moment of release. Four years of steroids to abate this torment has left me with eyesight problems and weakened kidney and liver function. Yes, I have the luxury of enduring a life-long battle with kidney stones now, just because I wanted to stop itching.

On top of that, I have a genetic condition called Common Variable Immuno Deficiency. I spent years of blood loss, transfusions, weekly IV iron treatments, hospitalizations due to migraines brought on by catastrophically low blood counts. Myopathy of the muscle gives me constant back aches. I endured the most painful of procedures, a bone marrow biopsy, to determine my disorder. And now, I face IV treatments lasting the better part of a day every three weeks for the rest of my life. Oh, and I had the pleasure of undergoing a surgical procedure to have an IV power port implanted in my chest because my veins are completely blown from years of needle pokes.

Those IV treatments? $1130 a pop.

Which leads me to the crutch of my despair. After years of searching for an answer, countless procedures, surgeries, tests, doctor visits and hospitalizations, we face an insurmountable debt of over $21,000. Just medical bills. After insurance.

And considering my conditions, they will just keep piling up and piling up.

This doesn't even factor in the credit card debt, accrued only as purchases made in absolute emergency. Unlike most who face financial difficulty or ruin, we don't use our credit cards to buy clothes, trinkets, gadgets, trends, or whims. We use them to pay for repairs to cars, or vet bills.

We have pets. Three of them are getting to be quite old. Their end is near and we don't have a penny to spend on them. Our credit cards are maxed out, and by the end of the month, after rent, utilities, gas, food, pre-arranged payments to maybe 5% of our medical debts, student loans, and credit cards, we have nothing left. We have borrowed from our savings until it dry. We live paycheck to paycheck. We have nothing left in case of an emergency.

Our cats need care, our cars are literally falling apart. Lisa's car has been in a multiple of accidents, the front end an accordion of mangled metal. My car is nearing the 200,000 mile mark. It, too has been in a fender bender, leaving behind a crooked gait. We cannot afford to even tune them up hoping that they will last another year. I have no heat in my car going on two years now, and winter is fast approaching. Our credit does not allow us to buy a new car. We have had to buy our cars with cash, from private owners, hoping they'll be good enough to keep puttering along. We will never again have the joy of smelling the interior of a brand new car.

My condition makes it hard, if not impossible to find a job that will pay anything near what I made as a manager. My condition forces me to ask "can you excuse me from work every three weeks so I can recover from an incurrable disease?" My lst tow jobs were not so forgiving, so I find it difficult imagining a company that would welcome such a prospect.

So I look toward disability. Months and months lie between me and an answer. It has taken me weeks to sort through all of my medical history to provide an accurate timeline for my case. There is a binder on my desk that is 6" thick with medical records.

Meanwhile, one of the many hospitals I have frequented is demanding a $1500 payment within days to avoid a lawsuit and $400 a month minmum thereafter to keep us out of legal trouble.

We don't have $400 a month to give them, let alone $1500.

We will never be able to eliminate our debt to even a manageable level. If perchance we should succeed in declaring bankruptcy and eliminate all of our medical and credit card debt, we will still find ourselves in this same predicament in a few years' time. My disorders are incurable and require lifelong treatment. If we are at a point of financial ruin after five years of medical care, then where will we be in ten? Twenty years from now? How do we build a nest egg when every cent we earn goes to the medical community?

We do not get to go on a vacation. I have a new nephew I don't know if I'll ever see in the near future. All of our friends and fmily have taken on the burden to come to see us wherever we have been, but we have never been able to reciprocate, nor will we.

We will always be ill. We will always be broke. We will always live in fear of losing everything. We cannot rely on others to be safety nets. We have nothing in our futures to look forward to.

We have lost hope.

Between the two of us, I have always been the voice of optimism But now, I am speaking the voice of cold harsh reality.

We may be able to bail oursleves out for a short time, but God, in His infinite and cruel wisdom has left us with a situation that will continue to repeat itself until the end of our days. Ask me again why I hate God, if such villain should exist?

He has brought us nothing but misery, anguish, pain, suffering, and stress. He provides no solace for the future and has not shown an ounce of magnanimity towards two desperate souls who only wish to stay afloat. We don't want riches, we don't want luxe. We want one day, just one day, when we both awake to a sunny day, free from pain or discomfort, financially in the black, with a small pennance pinched away for our golden years (which will never be golden, you might agree).
We are not greedy, we are not selfish. We are simply asking for a break. A small break. A sign that if there is indeed a God, he sees our lot, and bestows a modicum of pity our way.

Meanwhile, I am lost in my complete hopelessness. I don't want platitudes or temporary stays of execution. This is my one chance on this planet. I have found the one person who lifts my heart and makes me smile, and I cannot provide a life of happiness or comfort for her. I cannot give us a life worth living. I cannot bear another minute of this existence. I cannot bear to see my dear wife perched along side me on the edge of sanity. I'm done. I give up. God wins.