An Addendum to "I Hate God"

Well it would appear that I've freaked out quite a few people with my last entry railing against God and espousing surrender.

Let me clarify.

I cannot, in fact, be mad at something I don't believe exists.

I can believe I am a vicitm of vicious karma.

I am not suicidal or anything near that.

I simply needed to scream at the universe and vent in such a way that I have not been able to do before.

Yes, things are bad, depressing, tense, and frustrating. Everyone, no matter how optimistic or positive breaks at some point. I guess I reached mine. But that breakdown has allowed me to completely deflate so that I can be refilled with a hope that I can somehow fix this situation so that I might possibly make things a little better for my wife. She is my reason for everything and if I give up, then I have given up on her, too. I will never, ever, never give up on her. This is the one person who has never given up on me. There has been plenty of opportunity for her to do so. I am not alone in physical suffering, but she soldiers on in a way that I struggle to emulate. She comforts me, assures me, holds me, and understands me. She has ripped my heart out of my chest and locked it in her own so that I can never be without her lest I simply die. This woman is my life and I would betray everything she has done and been for me if I were to give up.

Allow me, too, to thank everyone who has lent a supportive word, comfort, empathy, sympathy, advice, money, time, and love. Those who have stepped forward and made our plight their own have shown us that not only are there good, kind people in this world, but that we have some very strong relationships and friendships that have proven themselves these past few days. I could only hope that I will be able to repay or reciprocate in kind.

Meanwhile I look forward to my upcomming return to school. Ironically, I am taking a class in Existentialism so the debate as to whether God is dead will remain on the front burner for me for a wee bit longer.

What is not dead nor will ever be up for debate is my love for my wife, my dear, beautiful, wonderful wife. Without her, I would have no rhyme, no reason, no purpose. She is my rock and I remain, as ever, dedicated solely to her.