...Except for Aquaman...

Every young boy has at some point tied a towel around his neck and pretended to be a superhero. He can fly, he has super strength, he fights bad guys. He gets a little older and he starts to read comic books, fascinated by the struggles of good versus evil. And even when he is old enough to drive himself to the movie theater and watch the latest superhero feature, he will sit in his seat and imagine the world with real live superheroes, or perhaps fancy himself one. The fascination never ends.

But I have a real problem with costumed crusaders.

First of all, how seriously am I to take a grown man wearing pale blue leotards, Speedoes, and red Wellies. I certainly wouldn't think: Superhero. No, I might wonder what asylum he wandered away from. Seriously, who would wear such a thing? If we learned anything from "The Incredibles" it's that capes are a bad idea. And how is it that every crime fighter and super-villain have such mad sewing and designer skills? Peter Parker isn't just an ace photographer, he's ready for his turn on "Project Runway."

If there were real life superheroes I would totally want to be an insurance agent. My fortune would be made in selling "Superhero Battle Protection." Ever wonder what happens to the guy who comes out of his office building after a long day at work only to find that the Incredible Hulk has used his car as a frisbee? How do you file a claim for that? Do major cities allow for battle damage in their budgets? Think of all the collateral damage done when Batman and the Joker are done with their gadget-centric fisticuffs. If we can't rebuild New Orleans, how are we to rebuild Gotham after Mr Freeze turns it into a giant Slushee?

Superheroes would cause unemployment. Police forces would cut jobs in the face of a superior crime-fighting force. Bus drivers would walk off their jobs (the city bus is almost guaranteed to be used as a weapon in any given superhero battle). Our armed services would suffer recruitment losses as we turn as a nation to superior beings to protect us from our enemies.

The collective expectations of our society would never meet the performance standards of superheroes. We would expect them to be everywhere at once, fixing every problem. Our disappointment would exceed the level of accomplishment made by our protectors. So if not an insurance agent, I would definitely become a superhero psychologist.

Or a sanitation worker...plenty of Spidey-webs to clean up. He's the single greatest environmental threat posed by superheroes.

And where do these crusaders get all the money to buy their gadgets, hideouts, invisible planes, and weapons? Secret identities? Pretty easy to figure out. I mean, sure, you can rule out folks like Warren Buffet and Donald trump as masked crime-fighters, but you just know they are secretly financing one. So no more tax breaks for the wealthiest 10% of society; it only encourages mass destruction.

So I'd rather live in a world where the real superheroes are regular Joes, like cops, firemen, soldiers, doctors, teachers, and game-show hosts. Let's keep the webslingers and dark knights in our collective imaginations where they safely belong.